I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband’s sexual kink is not actually about me sleeping with other men. I’m just the means to that end and a pawn to control in order to get what he craves. I KNOW that he does not crave me, personally, and does not get aroused by just being with me. He believes he should and tries valiantly! Every Saturday morning he takes a Viagra and then lays on his back while I do a few gyrations that usually end in mutual masturbation. And that’s it for a week. Pretty dull for both of us.

Now we both know that if I allude to being unfaithful, say I agree to text that guy I slept with one time, or talk about big cocks I have had or even better, will go get, his arousal deepens and his orgasms are much more intense and reflect genuine desire. So I, wanting to experience his desire and disappointed that I alone don’t arouse it in him, trade my dignity to bring this out of him. I pretend I have this power, when actually I’m agreeing to being used and controlled.

When I probe more, flirt outside of Saturday morning obligatory sex, say, encourage him to butt plug me for a day (I get no response) but if I say I want his cock locked in its cage, he responds with, “interested, but you know I will want more.”

So now I will name this ‘more’, and again, it’s not about me having sex with other men and then going home to tell him about it. His kink is being ‘forced’ to be the secondary male, the one left out, humiliated and scorned. ‘Forced’ to watch his wife get ravished and ‘forced’ to call the man ‘sir’ and even ordered to suck his cock and THANK him for doing to her (not for her!) what he cannot or will not.

This is what it is. This is the scenario we revolve around. My husband would like to believe he is ‘submissive’ when in fact, he is very specific and very manipulative and very controlling in this sexual roller coaster.

He serves me up bland, boring limp noodle sex, has no real passion or arousal for just me, (and knows I will eventually get frustrated) yet is a very kind, loving, supportive PROVIDER in every sense of the word, except sexual. He withholds that part, unconsciously I’m sure, but it is very clear to me. And he would vehemently deny this if the topic were broached and bellow about stress at work, how hard he tries, gives all he’s got…etc. I know this, because I can clearly see him. I have defined and named this mess.

And yet, what about me? What about what I want sexually? He has never asked and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to know, unless it fits in with his kinky desire for us (key word, us) to be ‘owned’ by a dominate male.

I’ve pretended, and sometimes convinced myself that fucking other men is a good solution, and I even went so far as to do that once. I wanted then what I want now: to be desired and to produce an arousal for just being me.

But that didn’t fit into Cuckyboy’s Master Plan! It was not enough for me to get what I’ve been missing and been deprived of! It was not enough until we had his cock locked and shaved, panties on him and a real live alpha male barking orders at him via email and text messages!

Then, when the liaison was all lined up and we 3 were going to meet: sex for me and humiliation for the ‘submissive’ one, he tricked me! He meekly asked if I could let his cock out just for overnight, since it was so swollen from being excited for hours. I agreed, then let him masturbate and come.

That one orgasm changed him from simpering pantied eager-to-please cock-sucking cuckold, to a belligerent, loudmouthed, arrogant, selfish and downright rude individual I almost didn’t recognise as the man I married! (The cuckold in panties was not the man I married, either, but at least I had his desire, attention and the promise of getting fucked properly! And the illusion that I was in control! Ha!)

Weird shit, and a bit scary, I might add. So I shut down the whole operation and we went back to bland, mutual masturbation.

Deep down I resent this, because I feel frustrated, used and manipulated at every angle. I can’t fucking win! He doesn’t ask what I want not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he DOES know, on a level he won’t/can’t access. If he acknowledges what healthy sex is, he would have to change and that is just not what he wants at all. I get this.

I’ve named it, now I must ACCEPT it and hand it over to a higher power because I’m not sure WHAT I have the courage to change and so my WISDOM falters when I am lonely, frustrated and feel cornered. It’s like a nightmare chess game, where I am constantly either in check or checkmate.